Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*