lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.