lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.