Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Why font matters.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.