lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
just witnessed a drug deal
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*