Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

every single time

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first