Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Delightful if true: booby trap.