*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Investing in beetcoin
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner