Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Baking is just science you can eat.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.