Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Happy Halloween 🎃

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Hey i am sexy to you now

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .