Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO