Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?