I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.
Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.