@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

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@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@gobmentcheese

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@mynameisntdave

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@TheMichaelRock

We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@mommajessiec

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.