Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.