Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

All is fair in drunk and war.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

incredible book dedication

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101