Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

This forever.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.