Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently