Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Britain be like
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Just a reminder, folks:
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits