Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

for all #parents out there

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”