Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.