@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

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@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@Nodine13

Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.

Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

@kellyoxford

I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)

@Vodkantots

I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@MorticiaKate

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.