Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
God, I love Scotland
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
goldfish mafia
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
awesome draft from months ago i just found