LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day

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[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear


Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.

Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.


Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.


I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)


I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.