[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day
You Might Also Like
Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.
Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Brobbits before Hobbits
I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)
I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I’ve never even held an entry-level position.
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?