Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Pro tip for my good boys out there

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.