Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain