Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
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Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.