LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

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[dogs around campfire]

*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets


Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh


Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.


“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”


I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.


The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.


It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.


*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*


The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.