Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.