LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”