Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.