[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.