LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now