LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Sunday
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“