Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

2022: I can fix it

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit