lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*