Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I love it all
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“Huge”.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Cheer up.