Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked