lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)