Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
You Might Also Like
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.