[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.