Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery