Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I’ve had worse

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”