Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
When someone says you are so lazy
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?