Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.