Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Uh oh 👀
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
What a year we’ve had this week.