Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Sunday
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.