Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!