Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

these can’t be my only options

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”