Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!