Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

oppen heimer style lol

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

drew a comic about my origin story

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.