Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts