Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You Might Also Like
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Oh, I bet you would be
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.