Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
pat pat
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
when you don’t want to be too vague
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
