Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

congratulations to them

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.