Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

😏😏😏

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…