Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

❤️🦆

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried