Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words