Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Me too

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.