Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
You Might Also Like
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
sign of the times 🖊
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.