Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
It do be feeling this way.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Rude much 😂😂😂
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.