Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables