Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
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INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Are you ok, human???
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes