[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress