[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Danger is very dangerous
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”