Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

birds and squirrels envy us

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

calling in to work dehydrated

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon