1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Who chose this font
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
OMG 🤣🤣
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.