Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been