Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”