Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Go gym

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs