Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

I didn’t realize that was an option

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys