[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.