Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvU4JsiXgAEGwof.mp4

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

😭🤣

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.