Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Support your local cemetery

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

How did we not see this back then?

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.