[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
So Hamburger help me, God
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.