Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Always the camel, never the toe.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.