[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger