[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*